Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
