2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
