I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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