I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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