Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
