I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
