when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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