you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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