i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
