Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
