what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
