So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
