Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
