does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
