ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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