My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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