How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
