im having a threesome with these popsicles
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
