The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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