I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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