I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
