My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
