Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
