God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
