John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
