Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
