You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
