So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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