true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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