Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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