I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
