I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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