He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
