even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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