She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
