If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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