i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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