The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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