in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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