she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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