Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
