Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
