Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's official drugs can't kill me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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