These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
