Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need water and some morals
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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