I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Who died my cat blue again?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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