new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
