Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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