That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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