I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
