Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
