rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Terrible idea I love it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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