i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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