I faked an abortion last night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
