i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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