This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
