she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
