You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
